A note on wanting
You can't always get what you want (or can you?)
It’s been a month since I last wrote on here. Sorry about that. I’ve thought about opening my computer and putting words on the screen, but I felt like I didn’t know what I wanted to say. And I’m not here to post simply to flood the feed with even more words no one needed. That’s something I simply won’t do (although I am FASCINATED with those who have a regular posting schedule and manage to actually say something worthwhile every time, bravo).
It’s been about 18 months since I posted my most liked post so far, titled “A note on settling”. In it I was reflecting on my recent break up and how I thought I was doing the right thing by sticking it out, being patient and silently hoping my dreams would come true. What I should have been doing is take his actions (and words) at face value, and reflecting on whether they actually matched what I wanted. I should have been vocal about what I was and was not willing to compromise on. Honestly, I should have left earlier.
That post was written shortly after I had discovered TBM (hi Jessica Ashley Gill & Lacy Phillips!) and their manifestation method. If this rubs you the wrong way, feel free to skip the ~woo-woo~ part of this post. It’s just something that I truly believe in, both from a spiritual and a psychological point of view. If we are trying to “call something in” we need to believe we are worthy of that thing. Seems kind of straightforward. Or if you flip it, we will only call in the things we believe we are worthy of. At the time, I didn’t really think I deserved a committed partner who prioritised me and supported me selflessly. It makes me sad to admit, but it’s true. I thought I had to compromise on my dreams, let his interests come first and be okay with not being prioritised. Partly because of lacking self-worth and partly because that was what was modelled for me growing up.
I’ve been working on this for the past 18 months. In true addict-fashion, the first step is admitting it. I’ve been communicating my wants and needs, ending things that weren’t aligned, deepened my self-worth and trusted that what is right for me won’t miss me. But like… has it?
I’m kidding. Kind of. I do whole-heartedly believe that things will fall into place and that I will always keep receiving joy in my life. But where I’m kind of lost is the “you will receive everything you ever dreamed of”. I’m starting to lean more into some version of “it might not be like you thought, but it will be perfect nonetheless”. There is some resistance to this though. It doesn’t feel like getting what I want and getting a version of what I want are the same thing.
It’s also kind of ugly to “want” something around these parts. Americans are really good at it. Scandinavians? Not so much. You can’t even want the last slice of cake for fear that someone will think you are greedy. I grew up feeling like saying “I want XXX” was adjacent to jinxing the whole entire thing and making sure you’d never ever get it. Be humble. Keep your head down and work. Be giving. Hopefully, a piece of the cake will fall into your lap. And if not, who are you to complain? There are those that have it so much worse, you know.
That is something I’ve gotten so much better at, and keep practicing. How will people ever know what you want, desire, dream about, crave, prefer, if you don’t tell them? Just tell them. Be humble, be kind, be direct and don’t expect everyone to just bend to your will - but tell them. No mind-readers here. And if you don’t feel like you have anyone to tell, tell yourself. Say it out loud. Write it down.
What do you want?
And,
When was a time where you received something completely different than what you wanted and you were just as happy?
All wonderful questions, and each one can take you on a journey of inner reflection and clarity, that further morphs as you keep wondering about it. There will be many who offer readymade answers, and you may end up trying them on for size, fitting (sometimes, force fitting) them to your own experience and realizations. We live in an age where language reigns supreme, so it's so easy to get drawn into skillful articulation. Keep wondering... that's all I have to offer. Stay open and natural and spontaneous... As my own spiritual teacher once said, your life is Guru.
lots of love,
Lakshmi
I don't have the life I thought I wanted when I was young, because I could never have imagined the depth and breadth of the life I have now. I have spent my life apparently falling into things by accident, but really I think it is because I try to be open to possibilities. The thing I'm not open to is not feeling valued, and I have learnt to genuinely not care about the opinions of people I don't respect, and to make sure that the people I do respect feel the same way about me. I do think this is something you learn with age, sometimes the hard way, but it's a worthy aim at any age. I can look back and see many roads not taken because I stayed true to myself, and some of those roads might have been financially more advantageous, but I can't regret anything that didn't lead me to where I am now.
I am wary of manifesting, and similar, because I think these things often end up with people feeling they should have just tried harder when they don't get what they want, and I also am suspicious of anything pretending to be a quick fix. There are times in life where everything seems to be falling into place, and times when life is a parched struggle in an arid desert (I know this one well. I have no memories of some of my thirties, because I was in a black hole), but you've just got to keep moving forward. Just keep looking to see what's through open doors, and don't think you can imagine exactly where they will lead. And don't let anyone put their needs above yours, or let you think that you are not the magical, beautiful person that you so obviously are!