Gaining and growing

Thoughts on being in the body of a 30-year-old

As the women in my feed keep shrinking, I keep growing.

I mean that literally. Maybe I mean it metaphorically also, but I can’t really tell whether these women who are taking up less and less space are doing the same on the inside. Probably not. But nevertheless, so many women are shrinking right before our eyes. Thinning out. Shedding. Dropping pounds. Getting skinny.

This is not a post where I write about how problematic it feels to me (and many, many others who have voiced this same phenomenon) that after years, nay decades, of fighting against the “skinny aesthetic” we seem to be back to square one. It saddens me, but it doesn’t really surprise me. All trends come and go, and no matter how hard we try we just can’t seem to dematerialize the female body. And so, it becomes an object that can be funneled into different trends. One day you’re in and the next day you’re out, and all that.

But it’s true that I am growing. My body is changing in ways that make it take up more space, having a stronger gravitational pull against the Earth’s core. I’ve been gaining weight, is what I’m trying to say. This is most likely due to a mix of reduced exercise due to sickness and less energy over the past months, eating (aka indulging in and enjoying) more unhealthy foods, being quite stressed, sleeping less, turning 30… and more. Is it even interesting trying to dissect the reasons behind my body changing? Idk, sometimes I feel closer to other women on the internet who are open about these kinds of fluctuations in their lives, bodies, minds.

At the same time I have to be honest - some people “opening up” stresses me out. When it’s about how they lost weight because of their adhd medicine. When it’s about how they lost weight because they started wearing a weighted vest that solved all of their problems. When it’s about how they lost weight when they quit alcohol. When it’s about how they lost weight because they… well you get it. I did lose a bit of weight when going through an emotional crisis 3 years ago. The same happened this past winter. And now I’ve gained it all back, and then some.

Do women in fashion become skinny because they are women in fashion, or do they become women in fashion because they are skinny? Just a thought. I feel like it also goes without saying that there are also women in fashion who are not skinny. But so, so many are that it almost feels ridiculous at this point that we’re not just calling it what it is? Or has everyone just agreed to be over it and I’m over here all by myself, still in shock?

Like I said in the beginning, I’m not only gaining weight but I truly feel like I’m growing. I always had an inkling that my 30’s was when I would truly feel like a woman. Silly, but also kind of true as it turns out. My hips are wider, my stomach is softer, my thighs are wider and softer, my butt sits lower. All of this, plus the fact that I rarely feel truly lost anymore. I rarely have to face a situation where I feel like I can’t stand up for myself. I can admit when I don’t know something or when I’m new to something. I spend less time trying to shapeshift into someone else and more often just show up as myself. All things I had to not only face, but physically and mentally combat in my 20’s.

I’m really happy I’ve been able to start exercising again after several months off of it. I really love running. I try to use the outdoor gym a couple of times a week because my friends are telling me their backs and knees are starting to hurt. Oh - and I want to look good naked. So sue me. But I’m still growing and I don’t ever want to shrink myself.