The other side of motherhood

Is it possible to write about motherhood before becoming a mother?

I’m not pregnant. I felt the need to give that up straight away because that’s probably where one’s mind goes if someone (aka me) suddenly starts writing about motherhood. My boyfriend and I aren’t “trying” either (although we both look forward to becoming parents together one day). No, I’m just very curious about the topic of motherhood.

Caroline & Romy for Milk magazine

Where to begin? For as long as I can remember I’ve longed to be a mother. To have a baby of my own, create routine, be someone small’s no. 1 go-to, feel that soft little body close to mine in bed at night. As a 9-year old I would hold my belly when trying to fall asleep at night, pretending I was a grown up pregnant woman. I don’t know how many times I’ve stood in front of a mirror pushing out my stomach to make it resemble as much of a baby bump as it could muster. And I’m always all ears if anyone wants to share anything regarding pregnancy, delivery, nursing, you name it. I don’t know anyone who knows more about pregnancy whilst having never been pregnant - except maybe some of my doctor friends. Though honestly, I doubt it.

Chi san Wan for Milk magazine

I always thought I would be a young mother. That term can obviously mean a wide range of things but I compared myself, like we all do, to what I knew. My grandma was 17 when she had my dad, my other grandma 20 when she had my mum. My mum was turning 25 when she had me and she had my sister three years before that. So never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be 29 and child-less. Child-free. Motherhood-less. I even told my boyfriend when we met that children before 30 was a deal-breaker for me. And here we are with 10 months to go and no pregnancy on the horizon.

Noemi Ferst for Milk magazine

Now I KNOW some of you will sit there reading this with a slight smile on your face thinking “oh you just wait…”. I probably make it sound like motherhood to me is this magical thing and having children is some sort of cutesy romantic thing where you have a little baby bump and *poof* out comes an adorable cherub waiting to be smothered in kisses. Obviously I know that isn’t the truth, because there is no singular truth about what motherhood is or how things will turn out. But I do want to make a point about looking forward to the hard stuff too. I want the mood swings and the poopy diapers and the sleepless nights and the terrible twos. I yearn for it. It might be wildly naive of me, but I do.

Sydney for Milk Magazine

I don’t know what it is I expect to find on the other side of motherhood. It’s not as if I want to make motherhood my entire identity, lose myself in packing lunches and wiping runny noses. I also don’t want to make my future children feel as if though I wasn’t happy until they came along, and that their existence is somehow the foundation of my well-being. That kind of pressure just isn’t very fair to put on anybody. With that being said, motherhood feels like this *almost* unattainable dream. Like how being a marine biologist was our collective dream as kids. Can you believe some people are actually marine biologists?

Can you believe some people are actually mothers?