Bitesize #25

I think my 30-year crisis might be showing itself guys

It’s 16:38 as I’m writing this sentence and the sun has already set, so yeah… Happy Friday. There’s something special about the darkness that overtakes Scandinavia each winter. Like not good or bad special, just special. As there’s really nothing else to do, I try to embrace it by giving myself more time to relax in the evenings, light candles, cook meals that take some time and amp up the hydration/moisture in my skincare. Sometimes that works and makes me feel cosy, sometimes it doesn’t and I feel lethargic.

Right now I don’t really know what I’m feeling.

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It’s kind of crazy how quickly a dynamic between two people can change. Anyone who has gone through a breakup probably knows what I’m talking about. Where you used to have this other person to connect with, plan with, laugh with and unload with, there is now a sort of vacuum. It’s not that I don’t have friends and family I can do those things with, but there’s no one I can do all of those things with anymore. Since we’re still living in the same apartment there’s also a physical aspect where we will kind of dance around each other through different rooms to not bump into each other too often. Thank god we have a guest room I can sleep in.

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My sister has gotten me hooked on To Be Magnetic — anyone who’s heard of it or use it too? It’s a community (app/website/podcast) created by Lacy Phillips which gives you tools to work with bringing forth your authentic self and manifesting the things you want. Super woo-woo, I know. But if there’s something a newly dumped single gal needs, it’s a little bit of manifestation.

What I really like about it is the fact that no one is telling you to “think positive”, “make a vision board” or “meditate 30 minutes a day”. It’s all about getting really clear on if you really truly believe you deserve the things that you’re wanting for yourself, and if you’ve actually seen someone you can relate to achieve those things for themselves. One of the first steps in the current workshops I’m doing was to picture yourself at different stages of childhood and explore what you were spending you time doing when you were the happiest. What came up for me was being creative, writing stories, painting, playing family with dolls, moving my body by biking or jumping on a trampoline or dancing or swimming, performing, and spending time with my sister. Although I might not be interested in playing with dolls anymore, there are some key aspects to my personality and my happiness to be found in those memories.

I mean I’ll ty anything that might give me that hair and that glow? @lacyannephillips

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I’m still reading Babysitter but I’m sorry to say it’s becoming kind of tedious… in a really terrifying way. I didn’t know there would be such graphic descriptions of child rape and adult rape and drugs abuse and so on. I’m not one to find those things fascinating to read about, I just kind of feel nauseous. I do want to finish it though because the parts that are about the housewife Hannah are really great. And I love the language as it feels very expansive and intelligent. I’m torn, to say the least.

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Although I definitely don’t need any birth control right now, I’ve started tracking my cycle by taking my temperature each morning and boy am I fascinated. There’s something so freeing about taking charge and learning more about my own body. Learning it’s rhythm and how temperature reflects different parts of the cycle. Noticing how that shows up in my skin, my energy, my focus and my appetite. Highly recommend whether you’re honky-tonking or not.

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I’m pretty sure I had about ten more things I wanted to write about but I honestly can’t think of them now. I should really start writing things down. There’s something about stress that always just makes my brain shut off completely. I’m pretty sure it’s a self-defense mechanism that began in my teens when I was dealing with mental health issues, but it makes me feel really dumb and forgetful. Which is a great feeling when you’re already stressed and depressed™.

Anyways,

Ciao xx