Bitesize #33
A long one about my shopping addiction, trauma response and the new style icon of streaming
33 feels kind of like a lucky number, doesn’t it? When I was in a particularly low time in my life, I decided that whenever I see 11:11 somewhere, that’s the Universe telling me I’m on the right path. I started seeing it when I ran (on the treadmill or on my watch), when writing, when chatting with a particular friend, etc. And honestly, it made it feel as if the Universe and I were communicating. Like something was showing me where to focus my energy in order to find a path I really enjoyed. Recently, I’ve started seeing 22 and 33 more and more. Curious to dig deeper into what that might mean.
Okay so if that was all a little woo-woo for you then that’s fine and let’s talk about more grounded things. How are you? How was your week? What was the best thing you ate?
Okay so I started a wishlist in my Notion where I put stuff that I wanted to buy, and categorized them by want/need, urgency, price and brand. And it was all going so well. Until, one night I found myself on the Arket website scanning their sale. Before I knew it, I had three items that had become mine and that were being shipped to me in the upcoming days. “Okay, don’t panic” I thought, “you’re allowed a little treat from the sales and these are all pieces you’ll wear and love for a really long time and that fit a certain bracket of your closet”. Cut to, yesterday I was out with a friend and we happened to swing by Uniqlo because she needed to return a sweater and what do you know? Hanging on a rack is the perfect cropped white button-up by JW Anderson. Once again I thought to myself, “it’s okay, you don’t have a white button-up and so this is a really sound investment”.
What is my problem? Like, I don’t want to shame myself entirely because that never results in me actually changing a habit (read: obsession) but seriously, what is my problem. Did I need another pair of jeans? Did I need a white button-up? Of course not because I HAVE clothes. Without blaming anyone else but myself and my lack of self-restraint when it comes to fashion and shopping, I do want to say that holy moly am I influenced by “wardrobe investments” and “classics” and “treating yourself” and “buying tools for your wardrobe”. I’m really very happy with my purchases and I *will* use the stuff a lot, but I could easily find 20 other pieces I would also use a lot from other brands and so it’s a literal never-ending cycle. I want to, nay need to, break free.
Onto something a little less vain and superficial. Something that has caught my attention a lot recently is the four (five? six?) trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Now I know from a quick google search that some claim that there are more than these but I’ll stick with four for now. This concept isn’t new to me but it’s been popping up more in my regular podcasts information channels and has led me to really think about how we as little, dumb humans are so basic when it comes to relationships. We literally just don’t want to be abandoned because abandonment = death. We probably all know this by now, but like, have you really thought about it?
In TBM, they talk about “dog-paddling energy” and it’s a term I had a really hard time with but that I think is growing on me. Imagine yourself working towards something, wanting something, manifesting something, whatever it is. At what point do you usually get into dog-paddling? And what does that look like for you? For me, it’s a literal dog-paddling where I will push and push and try to force things to align the way I want them to (classic fight response, no?). I won’t do it in an aggressive way, but I will for sure paddle and paddle until my face turns blue. I will paddle even if someone throws me a life vest and be like “no it’s fine, I got it! Almost there!”. Why?
In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s January. On the upside, it’s almost February. I know a lot of people say February is their least favourite month but it happens to be my bday month and so I kind of like it. And it’s short. And we get semlor in Sweden (google it and weep).
January has felt like a year. Who even remembers New Year’s, let alone Christmas? It’s been weeks and weeks of a gray stillness that drives me mad and also kicks my seasonal depression into gear. I’m trying to combat it by moving my body, getting daylight (hah!), eating intuitively and knitting. I just can’t seem to shake the tiredness though. It’s as if I’m sleep-walking my way through life. Anyone else feel this way?
I GOT AN APARTMENT! Aaaahhh I’m so freaking excited. And sad. And hopeful. And frustrated. But mostly excited.
I got a student apartment which means I can keep it as long as I’m studying (and pass my courses), and so I’ll be able to live there for about two years. And two years is a lifetime to me. I’m a little bummed because I don’t get access until the beginning of April but I’m trying to see this as something positive, that it gives me the chance to really sort through my things and pack up neatly. (Watch me stress-pack three days before moving). It also allows for some closure, I think? My ex and I joked (!) the other day about how we’re in an involuntary conscious uncoupling.
I can’t freaking wait to decorate my cute little apartment and find new dog friends for Finn and find the best grocery store and find a really good running trail.
I’m still reading The Most Fun We Ever Had and still knitting my sweater. Both are going really well and are feeling good to do. I’m also running and following the Nike Running App half-marathon plan, although my knee has started hurting a little and so I think it’s time for new shoes. One really great thing about doing a vigorous training plan is that you’re hungry all the time and so get to eat a lot. One downside is however that your body is tired all. the. time. But last year I managed to hit my pace goal so I’m excited to see by how much I beat it this year!
Have you seen the two new episodes of Severance yet? Or the semi-new season of Silo? If not, then I highly recommend you do so. Oh and while we’re on shows on Apple+ that are really great, Shrinking is a must-see. Truly such a feel-good show with smart humor and genuine characters. Oh and I need to do a deep-dive on Liz’s style. (Don’t steal that idea from me!)
This is long now and so this is where I make my departure from this newsletter. This week was a really busy one for me, but I have like three ideas of what I want to write about in the upcoming week so maybe I’ll hit you with more newsletters than usual. Or I’ll have another busy week and the next time we meet is in Bitesize. Who knows? Life is a wild ride.
Rock on xx
I spent a looong time looking for Liz’s green oui hat after watching that episode lol. Couldn’t find it. She has great style but her botched facial work constantly freaks me out. Like I have to point it out to my housemate every time he comes in the room and then I feel guilty.
I’m watching Shrinking as I write this. LOVE Liz. I *think* I read that the actress is also a music director— which I am so fascinated by and can’t stop thinking about. I feel you on dog paddling—-I think of it as “graspy” energy. Am I checking my email 99 times for a response? Watching the metrics of something in a pathetic way? Stop. Stand up straight. Do a little yoga. “Act right” as my 4th grade teacher would say.